Breaking- NSA Was Only Collecting Data to Send US Citizens Really Awesome Birthday Gifts
August 6, 2015 7:05 am
In serious journalism, it’s sometimes difficult to get government sources to open up. They’re always throwing around buzzwords like *national security* and *drone pizza delivery.*
We were understandably surprised when a source close to the NSA contacted us with some info regarding the intelligence gathering programs. We were at first concerned that they had been tapping Reginald’s phone. But then we realized all they would overhear is repeated calls to the deli next door and a bouncy-house rental agency.
The source informed us that there has been a fundamental misunderstanding of domestic intelligence gathering. Apparently, all the Agency wants to do is improve the quality of gifts the average American receives for their birthday and holidays.
The Global Intelligence Festivity Tracker and Shopper or G.I.F.T.S., simply aggregates all consumer shopping history data and makes it available to family members and co-workers to ‘enhance the retail experience’. Don’t want a fruitcake of the month for Christmas? Don’t buy fruitcakes.
Maybe this is the year Reginald won’t get me a bouncy-house for my birthday. Maybe.